Christmas 2005

The ornament was a gift from one of my many female admirers. A very talented and crafty female admirer infact. She also made one for my cousin Bernie.

Gnome For The Holidays

I am currently without a permanent residence, but most gnomes are. We seldom put down stakes anywhere for a long period of time. We tend to go from port to port relying on the hospitality of others. I'm a lucky gnome who's made wonderful friends in my lifetime.

As promised in my first post, I will tell you about me in the terms of my likes and dislikes. As I stated before, I like cheese....a lot. A perfect meal for me is a delicious hard cheese wheel and a nice glass of Chianti. Even better, a soft Brie spread on crackers with a warm cognac. Hennessey being my first choice of course. I also never turn down a nice malt liquor if one comes my way. You are probably not surprised that gnomes seldom have to pay for their own drinks in pubs. Unfortunately, those people are usually so inebriated that they are constantly asking me if they catch me will I give them my pot of gold. I just laugh finish drinking my free ale. Gnomes are often confused for Leprechauns.

I like movies and reality T.V. shows, though I seldom get the chance to watch them regularly. I'm 10" tall from the bottom of my feet to the tip of my hat, which is about average for gnomes. Of course just like humans, sizes may vary. I'm a registered voter, but I'm nonpartisan. Because of the obvious height requirement, I do not have a drivers license, but I did pass the written test. I love to read though in my travels I seldom have the opportunity. Not often I can find a book light enough to carry around along with my change of suspenders and whatnot. I can't even remember the last movie I went to now that I think about it. If I had a TiVo, or even a T.V. for that matter, I'd set it for anything with Mandy Patinkin, Clive Owen and Jim Carrey.

I dislike only one breed of elf. Notice I said dislike, because as I stated before, gnomes are a non-hating breed. It's just not in us. There are dozens of different "types" of elves. Just two different examples are Santa's elves and house elves.) I mentioned in my first post the I dislike a certain breed of elves, but for legal reasons I'll not mention them by name in any further posts. I will only refer to them as "Stinkin' Tree Dwellers". They actually give all elves a bad name. First, I haven't met one that didn't have a . . . dependency of one form or another. How else can you explain their constant cheerfulness. Would you be cheerful all the time if you worked long hours with hot ovens and were paid in broken cookies? You could find more compassion in a sweat shop in Honduras then in that factory. They use the older elves to advertise their products, but most of the workers I've seen are underage elves. I try to be sensitive to their plight, but I've met many of them and they all act so entitled and have hateful attitudes towards all others who are "Vertically Challenged". It's just bad blood all the way around. But, I and all my gnome friends only wish them happiness. But just the same, Gnomes and "Stinkin' Tree Dwellers" try to make it a point not to cross paths.

Well, that is more than enough for now. I'll write more after all the holidays have passed. Have a festive Christmas, make Merry, Jingle your bells and remember, every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings! Blessed Be,

Clive the Gnome King

Tree Trimming Part 2

Here I am helping decorate the Christmas Tree. You can imagine it was quite a climb going up and then back down, therefore I only managed to hang one ornament. Luckily, it was the most handsome one of the bunch. Don't you agree?

Tree Trimming Part 1

Here I am getting ready to trim the ol' Christmas tree!

Hanging my stocking...by the chimney with care!

There's No Business Like Gnome Business

Greetings from Illinois!

Clive the Gnome here. I thought I'd continue with the introductions I promised in my last post. You might be asking yourself, what exactly is a Gnome. In the dictionary it says we are folklore. A dwarf who dwells in the earth & guards its treasure. Let me stress right now that we are in no way related to elves, hobbits, gremlins, goblins, leprechauns, lilliputians, oompa loompas or dwarves. First, dwarves are entirely different species from Gnomes. I resent that we all get clumped together when we are entirely different beings. I've nothing against dwarves mind you. (Gnomes are well known to all as lovers and friends to all the do not promote hate.) In fact, dwarves are a very upstanding by the book race and very hard workers. They have great demeanors and they love their jobs. I've seen them whistle all the way to work on more than one occasion. I just don't like stereotypes. I resent being groupedtogether because of our heights and appearances. As for my stature, I prefer being called vertically challenged.

Secondly, don't be confused by the term folklore. That word tends to throw off a lot of people. It means traditional beliefs and legends. It does NOT imply we are imaginary or on the same level as the bogeyman, Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. (Though I've met two of the 3 of them and they are very nice people in their own right!) I am a flesh and blood Gnome. If you prick me, do I not bleed? I think...therefore, I am. Plus, as they say, the proof is in the pudding. You've got my pictures to prove it. Try to find a bigfoot picture as clear as mine and I'll eat my little red hat. I think I've made my point.

Thirdly, I neither live in the ground nor keep my treasures in the ground. Ok, I don't really have "treasures" so to speak. Don't get me wrong, I do OK. I'm still a catch for all you single ladies reading this. I just need that to be said because I'm currently single and ready to mingle if you get my meaning. (wink, wink) Financially I would say....I'm comfortable. I came into a little money in my younger years and thankfully I invested wisely. Buy low and sell high people!!! This is what allows me the opportunity to travel the world and view other cultures. I'm very well rounded as far as gnomes go. In fact, after the holidays I'm off again to continue my exploration of more foreign soils.

I realize I promised some insight into my personal life with this post, but I've rambled on long enough now and if I've learned anything in life, it's to leave them wanting for more. So until next time... Keep warm and Seasons Eatings!!!!

Thanksgiving 2005

This is Me.

Gnome News is Good News

I'll start by introducing myself. My name in Gnomish when transfered to English is Clive, but I like to tell people it is in tribute to the great British actor Clive Owen. One thing you should know about ALL Gnomes, we like to tell tall tales on occassion. I started telling the "Clive Owen" is my namesake story as a way to engage pretty lasses in pubs. It was an easy tale to tell, because as you can see by the pictures I post, we are very similar in appearance. I've been told this a lot by people, that we are twins practically. More so in my younger years than now, but for 238 years old, I can still turn a few heads. You see, what both Mr. Owen and I possess is called animal magnetism. We both have rugged chiseled good looks and are both jaw-dropping handsome, or I am so told by my numerous female admirers. (blush). But the similarities end there. We sound nothing alike. He is of course English, while I've got a plain Midwestern accent. I know you were imagining a gaelic or an Irish sounding "They're always after me lucky charms" accent, so I'm sorry to disappoint you. I am an Illinois corn-fed Gnome King.

OK, I'm not technically the King, but I am in line for the throne. Only 86 relatives stand in the way of me taking hold of that septor and stepping in as ruler. I am a Gnome King without a Kingdom. It's not really the throne I want, at least not as much as the title. You see, with the title of King, there are obvious perks. For starters, box seats at the United Center. Or being able to show up at any restaurant without a reservation... now that would be sweet.

But until then, I've decided to spend my free time living the life of a Gnome...thereby giving you a peek into my life. I bet you're entralled and maybe even a bit intrigued at the prospect of living vicariously through me. Are you breathless with An...... ticipation? I am. So stay tuned and as I live the next year of my life, I will be journaling on my "blog" to show you the highs and lows of life as Gnome King Clive.

In my next post I'll tell you a little more about myself including my likes (cheese) and dislikes (Keebler elves) and my preparations for Christmas. So flag this blog and come back soon.

Clive the Gnome King